The Ridiculousness of Weddings in 2019; 7 Things to Avoid in Your Upcoming Wedding.

It’s almost summer, which means wedding season is upon us! Who doesn’t love the celebration of love, and of course, the added bonus of party jollof and small chops?appetizers As much as we love weddings, there are some ridiculousness that interfere with our excitement for them. Dear bride and groom (and the wedding party), before we start booking our makeup and geleNigerian head gear for your wedding, please promise us that you won’t be guilty any of the following seven offenses.

1. Starting late. Because you know, all of the 11 months that you spent planning the wedding was not enough, you need more time on the actual wedding day. Or perhaps you forgot what time the wedding was supposed to start? AbiOr how else do you explain leaving all your guests waiting for two hours in a church, and showing up late to your own wedding – the day you’ve dreamed of all your life?! Ko wa okayIt is not okay, and my post, my tailor made me late, explains why.

2. Dragging the event. Okay, it’s bad enough that the wedding started late, but please, I beg you with a free honeymoon or whatever it is that you want, just don’t let the whole event draaaaag. I shouldn’t need to sacrifice my entire Saturday just because you are getting married. And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, because both you and your wedding planner decided it was a good idea to have a violinist, then a live band concert, followed by a poem read by your maid of honor, and then a video of your childhood, all before we get fed at your wedding reception. Bruh!

3. The never ending cocktail “hour”. Please don’t make me have to choose between suffering to stand in my stiletto heels for three hours, or looking like the Ekaetepopular name for cleaning maid of the party in my comfortable flip-flops. After much wondering, I’ve finally discovered why it takes forever and a half for guests to be let into the reception hall these days; the couple is busy taking a first look at the hall, which entails…you guessed it…a photo shoot and video coverage of the said first look of, not the bride, but the reception hall!

That’s like acting a full blown movie while we stand in the lobby eating some oyellyoily puff-puff (which by all means, we are totally here for, because #teamsmallchops). It baffles me why this is even a thing. I guess if I had spent $100k on my wedding reception decorations, I would understand why couples take so long mesmerizing at an empty hall.

4. Unfair expectations. If me and you and the rest of your family live in Baltimore, and you decide to have your wedding in Singapore, I will be excited for you, but it is presumptuous to EXPECT that I will attend your wedding. I think destination weddings are a great idea, and to be fair, most people choose this route to avoid a huge crowd. But there are some that will just be vexing for nothing if you say you cannot attend.

Listen bro and sis, your Singapore wedding may not fit into my budget, or I may already have other vacation plans, so I will congratulate you both when you return, and get you a nice gift from your wedding registry. The same principle of unfair expectations also applies to aso-ebi.A uniform fabric worn by wedding guests Don’t sell a $50 fabric for $500 and start whining that your friends are not supporting you. Ko nice.Not nice

5. The sexy garter. Once upon a time, tossing the garter meant that the groom gently pulls the garter from his bride and tosses it, or waves it, or puts it in the trash, who cares? Then the guests clap, say aaaww, and the wedding reception continues.

Nowadays, the garter toss has turned into a scene out of an R rated movie. I promise, I’m not making this stuff up; just watch what the ridiculousness in the video above. The DJ plays some seductive tunes to set tone, the groom crawls all the way under his bride and proceeds to make some snake-like body movements while the bride throws her head back and struggles to keep a normal face. Una get mind o!How brave! All of this happens right in front of mommy and daddy, and even grandma and grandpa; no atom of itiju rarashame. Kontinu.Continue

6. The over-sabidoing too much bridal party. I get it; it’s your best friend’s wedding, and you want to turn up and be hype and what not. But some of the entrance dances these days are so tacky, they’ve got me holding my breath, praying that the bridesmaid’s strapless bra doesn’t fly out where she’s jiggling everything, or that the groomsman’s extra fitted pants don’t rip apart.

Seriously, when did we start dancing like we’ve lost our minds, shaking bombom upandanup and down and grinding in front of uncles and aunties, and even your spouse in the audience? ApostuApostle must hear of this.

7. Wasteful spending. We need to stop the madness that weddings have become. Kilode? God does not like asejuexcessiveness. One person does one thing, and the next person thinks of the next big thing to top it and it keeps going on and on until it has now become pure absurdity.

If you are planning your wedding, be mindful not to overspend on things that will end up in the trash, only for you to go back to paying your student loans after the wedding. People don’t remember how expensive your wedding was; they remember experience, and experience doesn’t have to be expensive.

I get that it’s your special day; the day you’ve dreamed of all your life. But don’t make your special day a nightmare for your guests by doing any of the things I listed above. Why not focus your efforts on a beautiful experience, for both you and your guests? It’s simple; make your wedding romantic and uniquely personal to you, and ensure that your guests enjoy themselves.

Do you also find these things ridiculous, or am I just being a party pooper?

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43 thoughts on “The Ridiculousness of Weddings in 2019; 7 Things to Avoid in Your Upcoming Wedding.

  1. Well to be honest, I haven’t been to a wedding party all my life. But then, I see some video clips and movies and can’t help but admit you’re right. I don’t think we can ever get rid of “African Time”, it’s inborn. 😂

  2. OMG your post had me in stitches! You’re not a party pooper and I agree with some of the offences like the garter thing, oversabi bridesmaids and the never-ending cocktail hour.

  3. Lol @ sexygarter… More like trashygarter! Please tell them oh. God doesn’t like aseju. This post is spot on!

  4. I love how you served this truth, garnished with humor.
    First look at the hall? Really?That’s new (to me).
    That garter own annoys me, I’ve never witnessed it at a wedding but when I see those videos on social media, I’m always like ‘Oh my God’ (in that man in the funny videos’ voice).
    Let’s not even talk about No. 1, 2, 6 & 7, just not okay dot com.
    Or expecting that because I saw your pre-wedding photos on Facebook, I should somehow know that I’m automatically invited for the wedding, especially when we are not that close and you never even talked about it, and you’ll now be vexing after the wedding, asking me, didn’t I see the photos?
    PS: Hi fellow #teamsmallchops member. 🙂

    • Hi backatya #teamsmallchops member! Hehehe. You are lucky you haven’t experienced the first look wait…it used to “po inu mi” (irritate my system). P.s. I speak Yoruba when something touches my soul…I’m not even fluent in the language lol.

  5. Finally, a sensitive table has been shaken.

    9ja eh..we like to show ourselves na.

    For wedding party, we no dey carry last.

    That sexy garter thing…it isn’t really fresh. Civilization should not make us lose our decency and moral respect.

    Whatever needs to be private should be left private.

    The bridal party..ogah to the guilty. As them no get liver to act correct blue film, any opportunity wer avail imself, them must grab.

    Make wisdom and discretion guide us.

    Thanks for inking this.

  6. This table you’re shaking 😂 this really made me LOL! The “over sabi” bridal party cracks me up the most esp with the entrance dances that makes me scream to myself “Iz not your wedding,girl. Chill!” Lol. Nice write up!

  7. Spot on! Reasons I don’t attend Nigerian wedding receptions. I’m that guest who only attends church service and I’m done. I don’t have time to waste 😃

  8. The waste of money point, LOUD IT!

    I don’t understand why people feel an expensive wedding is a must. If you have the money, fine but if you don’t, IT’S FINE TOO!

    Why should one gather depth just because of something of a few hours?

    Beats me!

  9. Hehehe my brother out rightly told the planner at the start of their wedding party ton let the caterers start sharing the food. He doesn’t want to starve sake of nonsense nonsenses😂. We started eating before opening prayer

  10. It’s funny, I read through all the points and literally couldn’t stop giggling. Sometimes I think it’s the couple’s personalities and trying to outdo someone’s wedding that makes us go gaga lol. Love this post. So apt.

  11. Re sexygarter.. I’m pretty sure by papa woulda walked out lol.
    So we went to a wedding last summer. Before ceremony started we waited and waited and waited…then we decided to go grab fast food lunch. Then after ceremony, the waiting resumed. Reception finally started, waited and waited for our table to be called.. Lets just say we didn’t eat at the wedding cos long line for food at like 9 or 10pm and we were ready to leave. Glad we did the fast food lunch.

  12. Yessss! “experience doesn’t have to be expensive,” I totally agree! The social media world has pressured people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do, but because of competition and popularity people hop on this never ending excessive wedding trend and end up almost filing bankrupt because of it. Though I don’t plan on getting married anytime soon, this was a great read!

  13. Simplenaijagirl, I can’t deal. The weddings are getting more and more ridiculous.

    Biko, I have an honest questions — [I get that it’s your special day; the day you’ve dreamed of all your life.] — Am I the only one who did not day dream of a wedding day? Are there more people like me out there? We need to shift our focus from ostentatious weddings to strengthened marriages. Marriages are falling apart (left, right, and center) and pipu are still focused on outspending their friends at their weddings. Shior. Nonsense and Ingredient 🙂

  14. LOL!!!! This was hilarious! And despite your very true list, I am looking forward to being somebody’s son’s “plus one” to enjoy all of the ridiculousness of weddings this summer!

  15. I just watched the garter video on Instagram and it got hilarious when papa separated them.
    I’ve not personally attended weddings where the couple did “sexy garter” thing and it’s definitely not going to happen in mine.

  16. This post is hilarious!!! I agree with all of the points! I legit can’t watch those highlights of people’s wedding, I found that I rolled my eyes a lot so I just skip it if it comes on my Social media feed.

    Yoooooo…the garter, just why and why and why?!? Me that Pastor forced to give a peck on wedding day, lol. Can’t imagine E Money (yes, that’s his name for the sake of the blog, lol) do garter! I miss your blog, gotta go catch up on the missed posts!

  17. I went to my first Nigerian wedding last month and I don’t think I’ve ever been so shocked. There was over 700 people, people could barely move, the live band was so loud. I don’t even think I know what happened to be honest. I can’t begin to imagine how much that cost and then to be told that was onlyh the trad part and there was the actual white wedding in a few days? Good on them. But not for me!

  18. I can’t agree more on the wasteful spending issue. It’s a great problem in wedding planning. Once, I told a friend of mine that my wedding party was going to be low key and such. She looked at me and said “Not in this day and age.” I was like, “Gurl, my wedding is going to be on my own terms even if I live in an ostentatious society thank you very much.” Not minding the fact that I’m just eighteen. 😂

    Don’t mind my long rant o jare. Keep up the good work!

    • Yep, you do whatever works for your pocket. I only had one bridesmaid. You set the rules for YOUR wedding. Thanks for reading, and sorry for the late response…just found your comment in my spam folder.

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