The Truth About Ivie’s Almost Wonderful Valentine

*Click on underlined slangs for translations.

———Ivie chats with Rita———

Rita
Buhahaha! bhetbut why are you like this, Ivie?

Ivie
Seriously, can’t you see his teeth in the picture? It’s even worse in real life, aswearugodI swear to God.

Rita
You are a mumufoolish person, or idiot o. What if it turns out the dude is stinky rich? Think Flavor Flav. You’ll be all over him, kissing those wowougly teeth.

Ivie
Lailai!never! God forbid bad thing, tufiakwaGod forbid. I would never lower my standards.

Rita
Omo, I go consider oGirl, I will consider. There’s nothing money cannot fix.

Ivie
Gold digger l’omoYou are a gold digger 😀

Rita
Well, that is why you are once again going to be single this Valentine’s Day.

Ivie
#youtellnolies

Rita
Jokes apart, though. I mean I have my standards too, but they are not by faya by forcecompulsory. They are more like wish lists. AbiOr, who will now marry the wowougly looking men if all women insist on marrying the fine chocolate bruvs?

Ivie
That’s for whoever to worry about. Marriage is one chance, and I’m going to find me a man that meets my specs exactly.

Rita
Okay, break it down for me. I know good looks and height are on your list. What else?

Ivie
Yes. He must be at least 7 inches taller than me. Fine. So fine. ChessosJesus, I shiver thinking about it. Chocolate skin. RICH!!! 😀 😀

Rita
Oshey!![a hype expression] And what makes you think he’d be interested in you if he has all that going on for him?

Ivie
I’m not done o. He obviously must be from Edo state, at least 4 years older than me…no less than 30 years old. I don’t do small boys. Romantic. Funny. Have a deep sexy voice. Play a musical instrument. Must love children. Must love God. #dasallthat’s all.

Rita
😮 😮 😮 Kilode?Why?? You are toomuch.com. Good luck finding that man from your Edo village, okay?

Ivie
Oh he’s out there, he just needs to find me lol. Besides I’ve still got Osas on my mind since I met him at Adora’s wedding. He is so perfect, he checks off everything on my list.

Rita
But Osas is clearly not into you. You’ve basically been throwing yourself at him, and guy no send your sideis not into you.

Ivie
I just need him to get to know me, and we’ll be perfect together.

Rita
Babes you are more valuable than forcing yourself on a man. AbegPlease, move on.

Ivie
It’s hard. I still dream about him.

Rita
🙄 🙄 🙄 AbegPlease my indomienoodles is about to burn. Ttyl.

Ivie
Alright babes, later.

———Ivie chats with Yuki———

Yuki
Hi Ivie, my name is Yuki. Got your number from my buddy, Osahon. He says you can help me book a ticket?

Ivie
Yes, I’m a travel agent. Nice to meet you, Mr. Yuki. Where is your destination and where will you be traveling from? Also, what are your travel dates?

Yuki
You can call me “Yuki”. I can tell you are very straight to business. Slow down for a sec.

Ivie
Okaayyy…

Yuki
I need you to help me plan a travel experience. I run a tech startup with a team of 6 people. We’re working on deploying version 2.0 of our mobile app by Spring, and we’ve all been working long hours lately. I’d like to have us go on a 3-day trip to relax and do some team building.

Ivie
That sounds like a good plan.

Yuki
Thanks. Is this something you can help me with? I know it may be beyond your job, so just let me know my additional bill. I’d like not to exceed 20k, including your fees.

Ivie
Dollars?

Yuki
Yes. AbiOr are you in a different country?

Ivie
I was just confirming sir. I can take it on, but I’ll need to ask you questions as I go along. I just don’t think I have enough context. Can I call you?

———Ivie chats with Rita———

Ivie
You should hear his voice. ChessosJesus wept. And I looked him up. Boy is fooooiiiinee!

Rita
AbegPlease, what’s his full name? Let me look him up too.

Ivie
Osayuki Ighodalo.

Rita
Oh he’s from Edo state? Lol Yuki sounds Japanese to me 😀 😀

Ivie
Girl, I think God saw my list. For reals. Yuki literally meets all my criteria.

Rita
aaaaw

Rita
Is that his niece in this picture from his Facebook?

Ivie
Yep, he loves kids!!

Rita
AbegPlease just help me find out if his startup is hiring. I’d like to go on all-expense paid trips too.

Ivie
Gerroutget out jorplease.

———Ivie chats with Yuki———

Ivie
Sorry to bother you, Mr. Yuki. Would your team prefer scavenger hunt or laser tagging for Thursday afternoon? The resort has an organized scavenger hunt on site.

Yuki
I’ve told you to reach out whenever. You’re not a bother, and I don’t want you feeling that way. Also, it’s Yuki. Not Mr. Yuki.

Ivie
Aight, Yuki. Scavenger hunt or laser tag?

Yuki
Whatever you decide is fine.

Ivie
You are a little too trusting of my judgments for this trip. Don’t blame me if you all don’t like it o.

Yuki
Well, I’ve learned that people’s IQs automatically double once I give them ownership of a task #4hrworkweek. Good book. You should check it out.

Ivie
So you’re saying I’m not taking ownership of my assignment?

Yuki
Don’t put words in my mouth.

Yuki
Ivie, are you still there?

Yuki
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.

Yuki
Ivie…?

Yuki
Can I make it up to you by taking you out for dinner Friday night?

Yuki
Or tonight? I’ll skip band practice at church.

Yuki
Ivie, please pick up my call.

Yuki
Ivie…?

Ivie
Oh sorry. I was signing for a package with the mailman, and that ogaman or Mr. can talk for Africa.

Yuki
Phew!

Ivie
Lol why do you even care if you offend me? I am technically working for you, you know?

Yuki
I was smitten the first day I heard your voice. You are a pretty special person. Please, go out for dinner with me?

——Ivie chats with Yuki after their dinner date——

Yuki
Ivie, you are everything I have been praying to God for and even more. Thanks for coming out with me yesterday.

Ivie
🙂 🙂 <3 <3 <3 I had a great time with you too.

Yuki
Except for that alakobasomeone who can put one in trouble waiter that gave you pineapple lemonade when you clearly asked for a Sprite.

Ivie
As in!!!

Yuki
Thank God you didn’t taste it. If your allergies had displayed, eh? I for kee pessonwould have killed someone. I kukuBesides have evidence.

Ivie
hahaha abegplease o

Yuki
I like you a lot, Ivie.

Ivie
Me too, Yuki. You are everything in my “what I want in a man” list.

Yuki
hahaha now you are making a naija man blush. You know I need to see that list, right?

Ivie
No way!

Yuki
lol no wahalaproblem. I’d like you to meet the rest of my buddies. I’m planning to have a bash for my 25th in May. Would be lovely to have you there.

Ivie
Your 25th, as in your 25th birthday?

Yuki
You like to ask jambsilly question sha. Yes, my 25th birthday.

Yuki
So…what say you?

Yuki
Ivie, are you there?

Yuki
Ivie…?

The recipient has blocked your phone number. You can no longer send messages to this phone number.

**********

I wrote this fiction story to call out how we can easily miss out of a fabulous thing that God has for us if we remain fixated on our own ideas of perfection. While it’s good to have a list of things we want in our future spouse, job, or whatever, it is more important to pray, observe, and learn whether our desires are in line with God’s word.

Many people drooled over Yvonne Orji and Emmanuel Acho’s relationship until Yvonne put up a “Happy 28th birthday, boo” post. They are one fine-looking couple, but when we found out Yvonne is 7 years older than E (as she calls him), some people said things like “me, I can’t do that one o”.

When I first met Seyi, it didn’t even occur to me that I would ever date him, let alone marry him, because I am almost a year older than him. It was a no-brainer; we were just going to be real good friends because we got along so well. Now almost six years into our marriage, I realize I would have passed up on a beautiful relationship because of something so insignificant, as though he walks around with his age plastered on his forehead.

What are things that you can’t compromise on in a partner? Is age a deal breaker for you? Or level of education? What if they have a strong “H-factor” a term used to describe the Yoruba accent? Let me know in the comments section below. Wishing all SNG readers have a Valentine’s Day more beautiful than Ivie’s!

P.S. This post is a teaser for a fun project I’ve been working on, and can’t wait to share with you all!! Stay tuned.

*Flavor Flav photo credit; Scavenger hunt photo credit; Yvonne Orji photo credit.

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26 thoughts on “The Truth About Ivie’s Almost Wonderful Valentine

  1. I wish I had my popcorn while reading this!!! I can’t believe she blocked him… Age is not a deal-breaker for me, as long as he is mature-minded. I’ve met men my age that are mentally equivalent to a teenager. The only deal-breaker for me is if he does not have his own relationship with Christ.

    I loved this juicy post. Thanks so much for sharing!

  2. Wow! I enjoyed reading this. You should have seen my face when I got to the part where she blocked him. Sigh.
    I used to have a crazy list until I learned what’s truly important, my list is way shorter now, some will say it’s desperation but I say its growth.
    Like I always say, you can compromise on his height girl, but not his heart- his heart for God, his heart for people, his heart for you.
    Thank you for this beautiful reminder .
    Looking forward to the fun project.
    PS: How can I get lessons on how you did the chat part? 🙂

  3. Buhahahahaha, wasn’t expecting it to end that way. Come to think of it, I thought my husband was younger than me when we first met because he was the friend of my friend’s brother and the brother was younger. Idk why I thought they were the same age. I think he even had to send me his ID when he told me he was the same age that I was, lol. It wouldn’t have mattered though. All that mattered to me was that the person I married had the fear of God, not just a Christian oh but that he really really has a solid relationship with God so much so that he’d be more scared to disappoint God than even me. Idk if that makes sense.

    So people are tripping about the age difference between Yvonne and boyfriend? Weird…how is it their business? As long as they are both cool with it, which one consign everyone else?

  4. For a long time, age was a potential deal breaker for me because many guys can be immature sha. Education is another big one. Pls, if you’re not as educated as I am and you can’t handle it, wakapas. I’m not about to put up with that. Education is not the problem, it’s the attitude.

    Great post dear. Thought provoking.

    • Both points you made fall under the maturity factor. It’s less about the man’s age or level of education, and more about his maturity/attitude. This is why Ivie should have continued talking to Yuki until she saw red flags of imaturity. Thanks for reading!

  5. I’ll admit I was taken aback when I saw Yvonne’s post just because I didn’t realize he was that much younger but they look so happy so what’s my business. Anyway, so about this Ivie chick…I’m not mad at her but she didn’t have to block him like that, dang, sis! My reasoning being she could’ve decided to continue talking/dating him because he has money (at least seems to) and society will call her a gold digger. She’ll learn though, sometimes these things really don’t matter, they just limit you.

    • Yep!! “sometimes these things really don’t matter, they just limit you.”

      I was mad because she seemed to have been forming a nice friendship with Yuki which she could have continued and assessed over time. Thanks for reading!

  6. Abisola! I loved this ha ha, I also was stressing over the age thing, but I let it go even though, i’m almost two years older than my boyfriend, I can’t block my happiness because of something like age, when everything is good.

  7. Wow! This Was a whole movie! Thanks for this post.

    Age is not a deal breaker for me o. If you’re rigid in your thinking and acting, me I cannuh epp you.

    I’m building my walk with God and when I started, I was already in a relationship with my current partner. Everyday I pray for us and I don’t know how God is doing it but we are both on the journey and we didn’t even plan it. On some days he’s talking to me about God and on some others it’s me. It’s such an amazing experience.

  8. this sounds amazing! y’all are making single girls jealous. oh well, I don’t mind someone older, I guess I might be okay with someone younger too if he’s mature in mind, at heart and spiritually.

  9. 😂😂chineke!
    I actually know someone that can do that.
    She doesn’t have a list of “must have” instead she has “must not have”.
    And on her ” must not have” list, he must not be shorter than her because she is quite tall and loves to wear heels.
    Tee, as we called him, I liked him for her. She loves him too but that height was a biggie for her.
    There was nothing I didn’t say to persuade her. In fact, I told her about a surgery, limb lengthening.
    Abi?
    But no!
    Lo and behold, my beautiful friend is still single!
    Something, we forget as single ladies is you can’t find a perfect man, you can only make him perfect for you.

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